On Becoming

One day last week I spent a couple of hours lounging on the back deck of a friend’s house, sipping ice water from a mason jar and watching our children play all over her back yard. Over the course of the afternoon we chatted about many things, the majority of our conversation related to raising children. We talked about different movements in the homeschooling community, about our own experiences growing up, about our desires for our children in their relationships with one another. It was the kind of mom talk I really enjoy, open-hearted and filled with a longing to know and follow the Holy Spirit’s leading in our roles as mothers. Yet even as we spoke with conviction and passion, we knew that we often fall short in the day-to-day stuff that our kids see. At one point, my friend said, “Sometimes I think about sending them to school for just one year so I can get myself worked out, then bring them back home when these areas of my own life have been dealt with.”

Oh, how I can relate to that! How many times have my own plans for self improvement been thwarted by the seemingly endless cares and concerns of all the people who depend on me? But the truth is that none of us will ever arrive at the end of our growth. We are always still becoming who the Lord would have us be. And as mothers who spend nearly every hour with our children, that stretching and changing happens in front of the all-seeing minds and hearts that are our responsibility and privilege to train, no matter how much easier it seems it would be to hide away for a while and come back to them once we’re “done.”

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When you walk into my house, the first thing to greet you is a large sign on the wall that says, “Come and see.” My husband and I made the sign not long after buying this house, wanting to express our deep desire that all who enter our home find Jesus here. Not due to anything good in us, but because of the One who knows us intimately, yet chooses to love us and draw us close to Himself anyway.

I love that phrase. Jesus used it in the first chapter of John, when two of John the Baptist’s disciples heard Him speak and wanted to know where He was staying. They wanted to know where to find Him again. He responded with an invitation to join Him there, saying “Come and see.” And they followed.

The very next day Jesus called Philip to follow Him, and when He did, Philip found Nathaniel and told him that he had found the Messiah. Nathaniel scoffed at anything of value coming from Nazareth, but Philip didn’t try to convince him. He issued the same invitation, “Come and see.” Meet Him yourself. Watch. Listen. You’ll know Him, I promise.

That is our desire for everyone who enters our home, and certainly for our own children. Watch, little ones. Listen. He is here. He is at work.

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Last week, after the afternoon of listening to and sharing with my friend, my family and I got to attend a super fun backyard “housewarming concert” put on by the founder and director of UTR Media, who just happened to be moving to our town. One of the incredibly talented musicians who shared his gifts with us that night was Matthew Clark, who sang, among other things, his song “Kumalo.” (You can listen to it here.) I loved the song from the first moment I heard it, and my children and I have been singing it ever since.

Kumalo, Kumalo, I am not a good man,

Not a good man;

What can I say?

Only that the Lord has shown me grace,

Only that the Lord has shown me grace.

Reach your hands out, hands out,

Even though you know where they’ve been.

The Lord has made them gloves now, gloves now;

They are hiding Jesus’ hands,

So reach out His hands in your hands.

*Chorus*

Let them see you, see you,

In every place you fear to be seen.

They will find His mercy, mercy,

And say, “Surely if the Lord can save you,

He can set me free from all my sin.”

*Chorus*

‘Cause I am the older son,

Angry at my brother’s welcome.

And I am the younger son,

Happy to be wallowing in filth again.

And I still fight to believe

That the truest thing

Is that I’m rising with the Son from the river

When the Father calls, “Beloved, I am well pleased.”

What a beautiful image! God uses even our shortcomings to display His great mercy and grace to those around us. Is that not encouraging?

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Sometimes it does seem like it would be simpler to get away from our children just long enough to “fix” all of our faults so we can raise them perfectly. But even if we could do so, that robs them of the privilege to walk with us as we grow and become more like Jesus. The testimony to His goodness and forgiveness and grace that we live before our children every day means so much more than anything else we could ever teach them. When we fail, may they see our humility. When we are weak, may they see His strength. As we grow, may they look with wonder upon the Potter ever molding us more and more into His own image.

I want my life to be an open invitation for my children to come and see all that God has done and is doing in me day by day. It’s messy, learning to live with each other, but sometimes in the midst of that mess I can see glimpses of something truly glorious and holy. Those are the moments I want my kids to hold on to. I know I can trust our loving Father with my imperfect mothering. In His hands it becomes something incredibly precious, far beyond what I could imagine.

– Katie

Sweet Summer Days – All Year Long

My family moved at the beginning of the summer. We didn’t go far, but we traded a tiny house on a postage stamp lot for a larger one on an acre and a half outside of the city. We love it here. But the house and land had been sadly neglected for quite some time, so my husband and I spent a large part of the summer sweating in the sunshine, cutting down and burning what was dead and overgrown to allow the beauty to shine through. And right there beside us every step of the way were our four little children, hauling branches to the burn pile, pulling weeds, raking leaves, and more. We worked hard together, all of us fully invested in uncovering the loveliness of nature that surrounds us. Through it all, my children were learning a myriad of fascinating facts like how to identify a bob white by its call, how to tell the difference between poisonous vines and harmless Virginia creeper, how to tend a fire outside, and how to tell which way a creek flows even when its bed is dry as a bone.

One day near the end of July, I paused in my efforts to wipe my brow and watch my husband and little ones for a moment. I couldn’t help seeing the similarities between our summer break and the summer breaks of long ago, when children worked hard with their farmer parents to keep the family’s livelihood afloat. Laboring side by side with us, our daughters and son were also learning to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done and the perseverance needed to see a tough task through to its end. I was proud of their eagerness to help and hoped it would continue.

Homeschooling allows this side-by-side learning to continue unhindered once school days begin again. Families aren’t suddenly separated from one another, with parents and children each going their own way only to meet back up when they’re all mentally tired and worn out from a long day. They can continue working together, focusing on academics as well as the life skills that are so important for children to learn from their youth. They’re in the thick of daily life with their parents, working right there next to them and learning about hard work, perseverance, and respect from their most valuable teachers: Mom and Dad. In our family, Dad goes to work each day, but we can call him on occasion if we need to, send him pictures of what we’re doing, and even meet him for lunch sometimes. We aren’t cut off from him, and certainly the children aren’t cut off from me or from each other!

Recently, I was part of a conversation with several other homeschooling mamas discussing how to determine our priorities for our children’s educations. What do we want to emphasize during different stages of our families’ lives and how does that affect the way we teach them? Do we feel defeated when things like nursing the baby or reading picture books to the toddler “get in the way” of our academic goals, or do we appreciate the blessing in being able to teach our children how to prefer others above themselves, how to choose to be unselfish and thoughtful and helpful? Homeschooling allows us the wonderful freedom to pursue both academics and family life. We don’t have to put our family on hold in order to enjoy learning.

There is beauty and great value in family togetherness that is more than worth the effort and sacrifices necessary to make it happen. That’s just one of the reasons why we homeschool, but it’s definitely one of my favorites.

– Katie

Encouraging Compassion in My Children

     Recently, one of my daughters, Felicity, got a splinter in her foot. It didn’t hurt too much, but the skin around it was red and irritated. She asked me to get it out for her, and I asked one of her sisters to bring me my tweezers.

     Felicity heard the word “tweezers” and began crying. I hadn’t even touched her foot yet, but fat tears rolled down her cheeks from the very thought of the pain she would soon endure.

     As soon as she started to cry, my third daughter Merideth began crying too. I asked her what was wrong and she responded, “I just hate to see my sister hurt, Mommy!” Violet returned to the bedroom, tweezers in hand, and Merideth ran from the room, wailing.

     Felicity was already crying on the floor in front of me and jerking her foot away, so I decided to deal first with the splinter and check on Merideth later. The room wasn’t very bright, and I asked Violet to hold a flashlight for me so I could more easily grab the little sliver of wood that was causing so much trouble. But when I looked up at her face to see her response, her eyes were already tearing up and she backed away, shaking her head. “I just can’t be here when Felicity is hurting, Mommy! I’m sorry, but I just can’t stay in here!” And she ran down the hall after her sobbing sister.

     I looked down at the sniffling daughter whose foot was in my hand, then over at my son Benjamin, just three years old, kneeling beside his sister and looking on with interest. “Could you hold this light for me, buddy?” He nodded solemnly and held it up high for me. Of course, the scream-inducing extraction took only seconds, and I held up the hated splinter triumphantly for Felicity to see. She gulped a few times, took a couple of shuddering breaths, and told me, “It really didn’t hurt at all! Not even as much as a shot!”

     One problem down, two to go. I praised Benjamin for being a brave helper and went to the other end of the house to tend to the crying sisters. Violet had managed to compose herself and determined that as long as Felicity was okay again, she was fine too. She skipped happily away, but Merideth remained burrowed beneath the blankets on my bed, crying her eyes out. I tugged the quilt back gently and pulled her onto my lap.

     “She’s okay now, Mere-bear. I got it out and she said it didn’t even hurt like she thought it would! You can calm down, honey. She’s okay.” It took longer than I care to admit (and a phone call to her daddy), but my hysterical daughter finally calmed down and was able to stop crying. My heart broke for her, and for the extent to which she’d fallen apart at seeing only the smallest amount of discomfort. I don’t know if the girls are more sensitive toward each other’s feelings because they’re triplets and have spent nearly every moment of their lives together, or if this is a completely normal response for a six-year-old, but either way I didn’t want Merideth to be paralyzed by fear.

     I took her tear-streaked cheeks in my hands and smiled into her troubled blue eyes. “Merideth, I am so proud of you, honey. That sadness you’re feeling because your sister was hurt? That pain over seeing her so upset? That’s called compassion, Merideth, and it’s a wonderful thing.”

     Her eyes opened wide. “Jesus had compassion,” she whispered.

     “That’s right, honey; Jesus had compassion.”

     “Addy had compassion too. She cried when she had to leave baby Esther behind. She left her doll for her.”

    “That’s right, Mere. Addy had compassion too. But you know what? Having compassion for others is wonderful and right and exactly what God wants, but when you feel this way, you have two choices: you can choose to be scared by all those big feelings and run away from the pain, or you can choose to be brave and try to help the people who are in pain. Do you understand that?”

     She nodded quietly, her face thoughtful.

     “Merideth, think about Jesus. You were right when you said He had compassion. Do you remember some of those stories? When Jesus had compassion on the people, did He run away from them?”

     “No.”

     “No, the Bible says that He had compassion on them, and He healed their sick. He had compassion on them, and He fed them. He had compassion on them, and He sent out His disciples to minister to them. Compassion is a great place to start, but that’s not where it ends. Always let your compassion remind you to be courageous and to help. It’s hard and it hurts to be with people when they’re hurting, but it’s wonderful too.”

     Her face had cleared while I was talking, and she smiled at me as she nodded slowly. “I know I can be brave like Jesus and Addy, Mommy.”

     “Yes, you can! You can be brave; God gives us the courage we need when we ask Him for it, honey. Remember that I am SO PROUD OF YOU. I love your heart, Merideth, and I’m so glad to see it caring for others.”

     She gave me a shy smile and a bear hug, then went to check on Felicity.

     I groaned when I stood up from my knees (did I mention it was past bedtime?) but I was glad to have seen my little girl learn something so important amid all the noise of the evening. I don’t know what God has planned for her life, but I know that it is good, and I’m grateful for the task of helping to shape her heart while she’s young.

I want my children to be compassionate and to think of others more than themselves. A splinter is such a very small thing, but I’m glad the Lord could use it anyway.

– Katie

To the Reluctant Second Generation Homeschooler

“Respond, don’t react.”

“Respond, Katie, don’t react.”

If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times. It seems like my mother spent half of my childhood reminding me to be mindful of my choices instead of reacting unwisely and impulsively. Now that I’m a mother myself I often find the same caution on my own lips. More than that, I hear Mom’s voice in my head. And I’ve discovered that the same advice applies to homeschooling too.

It’s like any other aspect of parenting; so much of what we choose to do is based at least in part on our own experiences growing up. Again I hear Mom’s mantra, “Respond, don’t react.” Suppose a mother remembers feeling suffocated by her parents’ restrictions when she was a child. In reaction to that frustrating memory, she declares her child will never be told “no.” That’s not a well-considered response. It’s not searching out which boundaries are actually good for her child, but considering only how far away she can get from the overly zealous boundaries she experienced herself.

Unfortunately, I know a number of adults who were homeschooled at some point during their childhood, disliked the experience for various reasons, and have determined that because they didn’t appreciate some aspects of their own home education, they will not even consider homeschooling their children. None of these friends were abused or neglected in any way. Some of them didn’t like their curriculum; others detested the busywork that took up so much time. I’ve heard people complain about the homeschool groups they were a part of, and I’ve heard people say they always wished they had the opportunity to be part of a homeschool group. Some felt their studies were too rigorous; others wished their parents would have pushed them harder. I’m going to be honest here: not everyone’s homeschooling experience is rainbows and sunshine. But I also know that children don’t always see everything clearly, and that holding fast to mistaken childish opinions after reaching adulthood rarely leads us to good decisions. It’s just another way to react impulsively instead of responding appropriately.

“Respond, don’t react.” This well-worn saying goes for second generation homeschoolers too. Our education choices should never be simply a knee-jerk reaction to our own memories. But we can- and should!- carefully consider our background as we determine what is best for our families. Experience can be a wonderful teacher if you’re willing to learn from it responsibly instead of just tossing it aside. You’re the adult now with the freedom to make your own decisions concerning your children’s education. That video teaching program you hated so much it seems to darken every homeschooling memory you have? Guess what, you don’t have to use that with your children! The same goes with the schedule your mother liked but you didn’t, the poetry group you just couldn’t get interested in, the math curriculum that made math harder than it needed to be. Every single aspect of homeschooling can be altered to fit your family.

There’s a wealth of resources and groups that just weren’t around when we were kids. There’s also a wealth of experienced homeschoolers to learn from. Even if you want to forget everything you did as a homeschooler, you don’t have to start from scratch.  Truthfully, our kids’ experiences will be completely different from our own whether we try to make them the same or not. But remember that’s a good thing. You get to decide what works best for you as the parent as well as what works best for your kids.

 My husband and I are friends with a couple who did their best to avoid homeschooling for several years due only to the fact that the previously homeschooled father was holding on to some bitterness over his own experience as a child. Finally, though, the family was put in a position where their only feasible choice was homeschooling, and even then they began very reluctantly. But by the end of the first year they were hooked. That was a number of years ago now and they’re still homeschooling. And due in large part to their influence, some of their friends began homeschooling too. It turns out that home education is more customizable than our friends initially believed. I hope you realize that can be the case for your family too.

Maybe you didn’t love homeschooling when you were a kid. Maybe your bad memories have made you determined to never homeschool your own kids. But as you consider next year’s educational choices for your children, take a deep breath and relax. Put homeschooling back on the list of possibilities and make the choice to respond carefully and wisely to your experiences instead of reacting out of fear or frustration or bitterness. You’ll be better equipped to make a well-informed decision. And you’ll make my mom so proud.

– Katie

 

Flashback pt 2, and where we are now

Ok! So we talked about my son’s beginnings in the last post. Here I am going to copy and paste the follow up I wrote to that entry many years ago. At the bottom I’m going to go over JP’s development as it stands today at 6 (and a 1/2) years.

“Why don’t we dive right into it today and my apologies for this one getting a bit lengthy…. As I mentioned before, today we will talk about some of the little red flags that came up with us for JP. Now, for all you parents of little ones out there, this list is not meant to worry you when you notice that your child does some of these things sometimes. It might be something to bring up with your pediatrician though if you are losing sleep over it. 🙂

Looking back, I guess the first thing I noticed different about JP was his speech delay. I comforted myself with the fact that everyone told me little boys talked later than girls and it just wasn’t a big deal. At around 20 months though, it really started to worry me. We picked up JP from Mother’s Day Out one afternoon and he was crying and a few of his classmates came up to me and said, “JP crying.” I remember getting back in the car and saying to my husband those kids just spoke a sentence, and thinking how JP had a vocabulary of about 15-20 words and that was pushing it. On top of that he didn’t seem to be understanding me even when I spoke in very simple sentences, so trying to correct behaviors was virtually impossible.

Some other little things that I started to notice around 18 months… He vary rarely responded to his name. We had his hearing checked and it was fine. We also noticed a lack of eye contact. He seemed to always be interested in something else. If we did get him to look at us it was only for a couple of seconds. When he got really excited sometimes he would flap his hands a little bit. He became very picky about touching things, especially food. He didn’t want to walk in the grass barefoot, or like to be touched except by myself or my husband and even then he was a bit standoffish. He was a little bit repetitive, wanted to to do things over and over and over and over.  His tantrums were intense.. Now I know he’s 2, every 2 year old throws fits. JP’s however would sometimes come out of nowhere and could last between 20-40 mins. Intense screaming, thrashing, and hitting all normal.

Now with all that being said, something you should know about me is that I am a bit of a worrier. Anyone who has known me for longer than about a day could tell you that. So naturally once I noticed one of these little things, I googled and read books and realized that they could all possibly point to something bigger. I told myself just to pray about it and not worry over it, and bring up my concerns to his pediatrician at his next appointment. I hoped he would outgrow some of the behaviors, that this was just his version of being a toddler. When JP turned 2 his pediatrician recommended we have him evaluated by TEIS (our local early intervention system) to see if he qualified for any services through them.

At this point in our life (pre-TEIS and pre-therapy) with JP I was at a loss. I felt like the world’s worst mother. I thought I was failing at something that I felt all my life I had had a calling for. I withdrew. We quit going to play dates because I couldn’t contain my child’s sometimes erratic behavior. We quit eating out in public because the stares from strangers were just too much. I did almost 100% of shopping online. I often found myself in tears (sometimes in public) because I was just so overwhelmed and had no clue what to do…. I don’t tell you this for pity. We are past this point now, and while I do find myself overwhelmed at times, its normal. What mom isn’t occasionally overwhelmed? I tell you this in case you are a mom feeling this way. You are not alone. Or maybe you have a friend with a special needs child. Let them know you are there! It will mean the world to them. I am so lucky to have friends who have stuck with me through all this craziness. You know who you are :)”

 

Ok so that was the original blog post. I thought about adding in a couple of videos, but that just felt too personal, feel free to message if you want to see some of the behavior mentioned above.

JP is now 6 (and a half) and thriving! After 4 years of various therapies I can say early intervention was totally worth it for us. At one point we had therapy every day of the week, and some days multiple appointments in one day. Most people we meet would never know he had a diagnosis unless they are professionals in the developmental field. He is still different, but everyone is different. His main issues now are sensory related, stemming from sensory processing disorder. I also feel like he has some other learning differences with auditory processing, but that isn’t currently diagnosed. He is 1st grade aged, but at about a Kindergarten level in some subjects. We currently attend occupational therapy once a week with an amazing therapist. We graduated from speech this past summer, and will reevaluate that after he turns 7. (This momma needs a break from multiple therapies a week.) We could probably benefit from ABA therapy to help fix some behaviors he has at home (managing emotions, social skills, feeding), but it isn’t currently in the budget. All of this however has played a role in why and how we homeschool, which I will get in to on the next post.

*side note- We have been so very blessed with our son’s development. When you get a diagnosis, its a scary thing. We were told at his evaluation that they weren’t sure if he would ever talk in complete sentences, be able to fit in in a traditional classroom, or live independently. Autism is a spectrum disorder, and there are many families who start at a very similar place to where we did, but have a child that develops in different ways and may remain minimally or non verbal, and not gain independence. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for these families and all special needs families, and I hope you’ll join me.

– Valerie

Click here for Part 1 and Part 3.